Confessions from the mind of Post Partum Mari

I am absolutely fine. Life is fine. Until I took a deep breath and stop giving weight to the thoughts in my mind I was about to have a full meltdown over the simplest of things, I have some bottles that have yet to be washed for the past 2 days. I am cringing at that. I want to tidy up the house. I cannot take the messiness, it feels like a cement block on my chest, killing me slowly, I want it all de-cluttered, fixed, clean. That is not who I normally am. This is when i recognize it- this is postpartum ANXIETY. BREATHE. THIS IS NOT REAL.THE WORLD WILL NOT END. This is not real. Let the thoughts go. Stop letting it be so heavy. I know people who have anxiety and depression. I know I don't have it. I am 4 months postpartum and the feelings are so heavy and then they go away. I know they aren't real. But I have to be reminded, I actively have to make the decision to not give those feelings power over me. I work out I go to yoga, I journal, I meditate - this helps my anxiety. When I first shared these feelings with a doctor during my pregnancy they offered me medication immediately, they didn't ask me what I was doing to clear my mind, how I slow down, if I create natural endorphins. They just wanted me to take the pills asap so I would have them in my system by the time I gave birth and have a blissful postpartum. Ok... and what was the next step? They didn't ask me if I was talking to anyone. What about talk therapy? There are so many steps before medication. If you resonate with this I am not a professional, I am not saying pills aren't for you. I am doing fine in my life by standards of - I have food, I have a roof, I have a partner, the bills get paid, I don't have real stress. Yet 10 min before this I was about to have a meltdown over wanting to do stuff. Wanting to do my to-do list but needing to pause and do what my son wants me to do instead and not be egotistical and put myself first. I need to stop my needs and desires and give him my attention. Motherhood ius not for the faint of heart. And the faint of heart do it all the time, day in day out. Women get branded all these crazy things yet if I was back at work and adding all that to my to-do list too I would easily be flooded over in emotions. America doesn't do enough to help their mothers. Isn't it like suicide prevention awareness month or something? If I didn’t have a partner, and the ability to be home this long, and have help and the means to afford to have someone clean my house, and eat out, and a partner who doesn't expect me to cook and clean and do everything. Of course I would be depressed, of course suicide would look like an option. Why is it surprising that if people look normal on the outside when they commit suicide it is a shock. Life is hard! Mothers aside, life is hard! Check on those you care about, your friends, their kids, older people, check on everyone. Do an act of kindness, pay for the food for the person behind you in line, pay for someones coffee, smile, hold the door open for someone, be grateful for what we have, be grateful we get to wake up another day, be grateful you have your loved ones. Next time something crazy happens to someone you know don't be like, “aww that is so sad” “Ii had no idea”. No - every single day put stuff out in the universe so it can manifest and preemptively help somebody. I'm just venting, this isn’t even a message. I am venting and reflecting. Mind you, I am feeling this way and I'm in a good place. I can't imagine the moms in a bad place, feeling this. Check-in on your moms. Don't bring a onesie when a mom gives birth, bring her coffee, bring her water, food, a meal, ask her what she would like to eat for the next 2-3 days, bring her groceries, quick easy meals, hold her baby - make her nap, make her sleep, do not let her host you in her home. Not only new moms, but this also happens at any point in time - all mothers, even if their kids are teenagers it does not matter, it's hard. Life is hard, compound that by having a marriage, by having kids, by being working parents. Life is hard! America doesn't make it any easier, check on your friends, check on your parents, check on your grandparents, call that aunt you never talk to you, call that friend you haven’t talked to in a while, do something, just do something! Don't just keep scrolling on social media.

Marilys Vega